Sunday, October 17, 2010

A big loss

14hb Oktober yang lepas
saya kehilangan seorang bapa saudara
yang amat saya sayangi
(saya sayang semua ahli keluarga saya)
my dear daddy(I used to call my uncle daddy too)
meninggal dunia di PPUM 
selepas menjalani
Coronary artery bypass surgery
Dia dalam keadaan sihat
ketika warded untuk pembedahan pada hari Isnin
semuanya ok..stabil(nampak secara dasarnya)
memang tak sangka sangat
dia operate on 13th saya tak sempat pegi tengok time tu
but my parents were there with the rest of the family members..
tak sampai 24Hours after operation dia meninggal
kerana komplikasi selepas pembedahan.
terkilan sangat tak sempat ziarah arwah
time dapat call pagi Khamis tu dari aunty saya
memang dah decide dah lepas sekolah nanti 
nak terus ke KL pegi hospital tengok dia..
then dapat call lagi kata dia dah nazak
huh sedihnya time tu dalam bersiap-siap nak tinggalkan sekolah
dapat call lagi dari cousin kata dia dah meninggal
memang bukan rezeki saya nak jumpa dia
terasa lambat sangat time nak tiba ke Taman TAR tu(rumah arwah)
rasa macam nak terbang je..
Allah saje yang tahu perasaan saya masa tu
bercampur baur..
takut jalan jammed..tak sempat tengok jenazah
sebab jenazah nak kebumi selepas solat Asar
masa hubby tanya nak ikut jalan mana??
MRR2 atau Jalan Tun Razak??
Saya tak berani nak decide..takut salah buat pilihan
masa dia pilih ikut MRR2 saya doa banyak
supaya jalan tak sesak(biasanya MRR2 akan sesak masa-masa begitu)
alhamdulillah..Allah permudahkan semuanya
kami sampai jenazah belum tiba lagi dari hospital
mereka mandi,khafan & sembahyang jenazah disana dulu
masa tengok muka mummy(isteri arwah) saya hilang kata-kata
hanya pelukan dan tangisan kami saja yang kedengaran
walaupun terkejut dengan apa yang terjadi kami semua bersyukur
arwah pegi dengan mudah
dia tak terlantar sakit yang lama dan berpanjangan
mereka yang ada semasa arwah menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya kata
dia pegi dengan tenang..syukur la time tu isteri & anak-anaknya semua ada disisi
cuma saya agak terkilan tahun ni saya tak sempat pegi beraya ke rumahnya seperti kebiasaan
last jumpa masa kenduri kawin adik saya masa raya ke3 tu
kalau dia balik Seremban pun saya tak jumpa 
sedihnya..kalau la tahu ini raya terakhir kami bersamanya memang saya carik masa tu
semalam masa nak balik pun isteri arwah kata..dia tanya mana la Emy tak datang raya tahun ni
Ya Allah..bersalahnya aku rasakan..terkilan sangat
Buat daddy..Emy doakan daddy tenang disana..
Emy tahu,daddy pun tahu kami semua sayang daddy
tapi Allah lebih menyayangi daddy..
semoga daddy ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman
insyallah..Emy akan sentiasa merindui gelak tawa daddy..
hanya Allah saja yang tahu isi hati ini
Al-fatihah

DISINI JUGA SAYA NAK KONGSI
nukilan rasa yang diluahkan oleh
satu-satu anak perempuan arwah
yang baru bertugas sebagai Dr di hospital Ampang
beliau akan melangsungkan perkahwinan awal tahun depan insyallah

Dear Daddy,

I'm sorry I didn't spend enough time with u the weeks before you left, and I'm sorry I complained a lot about work. I know you were worried about me, and with ur medical condition, I should have known better not to burden you with my problems.

I'm sorry I scolded you for not telling me about your classical heart problem symptoms. You know, when you were in denial about your tummy discomfort and 'angin' problems in your tummy, I was in denial too. I just couldn't accept the fact that you had heart problems. Yet I wanted you to get things checked out so that we could be 100% sure that it was a cardiac pathology.

Remember when you finally came to ED to get that ECG done? And how scared you were because you didn't want it to show any cardiac problems? Remember when you refused to allow me to withdraw blood from your vein for some blood investigations but I still did it anyway and you told me, "whoa... it didn't hurt at all... and how come you did it so smoothly?". And remember how after that when we returned home u said that now you're satisfied that I've done something for you as a doctor?

I had so much to say to you before your surgery, but I guess it wasn't my 'rezeki'. I wanted to tell you that I will be waiting for you after you wake up from the surgery and that we were all praying for you. When I arrived that morning, they were already preparing to push u to OT. I regretted not making them wait so that Abang Aidi and Abang Bob could see you too as they were struggling to find parking. I saw tears welling up in your eyes when they wheeled your bed along the corridor of the OT. I am thankful to Allah that I got to salam and kiss you before they pushed you in.

When you came out of surgery, it was sad to see you with tubes going in and out of you. The first thing I did was check you vital signs on the cardiac monitor, and I realised that your blood pressure was just OK. They explained to Abang Aidi that your BP was low-ish so they had to put you on inotropic support. They also said that you were bleeding quite a bit, but we both thought that nothing was amiss because you had the same problem when you did your TURP (prostate surgery) years ago.

When mommy came back from solat, the surgeon explained to her that he was not happy with your bleeding, and that he wanted to go in once again and isolate the source of bleeding. That one hour a half was one of the longest hours that I had to wait, daddy. I was so afraid you would pass away on table, with you being unstable like that. I was so afraid you will go without us around you.

When they allowed to see you again you were already on two inotropic support. They managed to isolate and stop the bleeding, and your urine output was encouraging. I was reluctant to leave the hospital that night, but I had to because I had to go to work the next day. But you were stable before we left dad, we didn't expect you to deteriorate.

When mommy called me on Thursday morning, I thought that she was going to tell me about the arrangements as to who's going to send me to UMMC after work so that I could see you. I expected you to be extubated by that time. But she stopped short after "adik...." and I told her to stop crying. Abang Aidi told me that the hospital called. I think I swore quite loudly in the ED at that time.

It was a long wait to wait for Abang Bob to come pick me up. We couldn't find parking, and he told me to go down first. I texted Abang Aidi about your progress, he replied that it's not good. I walked as fast as I could to the CICU to go and see you and when I saw you, my heart dropped. You were on maximum inotropic support, your urine bag was empty, your blood pressure was just 'cukup2 makan'. Your face was oedematous. I went to mom and cried because I knew that you were going downhill.

Daddy, thank you for giving me enough time to come to terms with the fact that you were leaving. They wanted to do dialysis for you, but your BP was just too low. They even failed to insert a femoral catheter in you. I hope that didn't cause you too much pain.

Everyone was there around you that morning, daddy. A lot of people recited Yaasin for you. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to do that for you, and I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to whisper things to your ear. I hope you heard me when I told you that I loved you. I hope you felt my hand when I held yours.

When the cardiac monitor showed asystole, indicating that your heart stopped beating, Abang Lan was by your side, whispering in your left ear. I rushed to your right ear and recited the Kalimah Syahadah. I saw the cardiac monitor showing some tracing for a brief period of time, and then it was a straight line again. Allah took you back, because He loved you more. Alhamdulillah, you went in such a peaceful manner.

Dad, when I was there by your side, whispering in your ear, I looked at your face for the longest time, I inhaled your smell, I held your hand... I don't want to forget any of that.

Dad, Sheikh Fuad became the imam for your jenazah prayers, he was there reading your talkin, and he was there heading the Tahlil that night. I couldn't have asked for anything better than that for you, dad. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you so much for all that you've done for all of us dad. And you have absolutely no idea how much you've done for me. That itself deserves another post. We will all miss you and no one can replace you daddy. I love you so much. Al-fatihah.

4 comments:

  1. sedihnya... x dpt sy menahan air mata ni dari mengalir

    semoga emy & seluruh ahli keluarga arwah brsabar dgn dugaan ini.

    semoga arwah ditempatkan di kalangan org2 yg beriman. al-fatihah.

    ReplyDelete
  2. takziah sis.... semoga roh arwah dicucuri rahmat... adoii sedih linn baca ayat2 dr tu... semoga dia terus tabah

    ReplyDelete
  3. takziah sekali lagi emy!
    mmgla kalau org yg rapat dengan kita.. kita rasa kehilangan yg amat2.. semua ini dugaan bt emy dan keluarga.. Alhamdulillah dia pergi dengan mudah dan tenang.. Tidak menanggung kesakitan lama2.. Allah permudahkan segalanya..

    sampaikan salam takziah bt keluarganya juga.. kena selalu bertanya khabar mereka.. agar mereka rasa diri mereka dihargai dan diperlukan bila2 masa saja..

    u take care too.. jaga kesihatan diri.. jgn stress ok?

    ReplyDelete
  4. i read my own post and had to fight back tears.

    and banyak grammar mistakes sebab the nephew and nieces were disturbing at that time!!! the obsessive compulsive me just had to go back to fb and correct all my mistakes.

    anyways, we all miss him, and kalau nak cakap, i have even BIGGER regrets kak emy, and the worst part is that i havent talked about it to anyone yet. you didnt visit him for raya, i wasnt even home on malam mantai tu because i CHOSE to work that night so that i will have at least the first three days of raya free of night calls. i didnt know it was my last raya with him.

    ReplyDelete

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Terbang berduyun di waktu pagi
Terima kasih daun keladi
di lain 'entry' berjumpa lagi

Sunday, October 17, 2010

A big loss

14hb Oktober yang lepas
saya kehilangan seorang bapa saudara
yang amat saya sayangi
(saya sayang semua ahli keluarga saya)
my dear daddy(I used to call my uncle daddy too)
meninggal dunia di PPUM 
selepas menjalani
Coronary artery bypass surgery
Dia dalam keadaan sihat
ketika warded untuk pembedahan pada hari Isnin
semuanya ok..stabil(nampak secara dasarnya)
memang tak sangka sangat
dia operate on 13th saya tak sempat pegi tengok time tu
but my parents were there with the rest of the family members..
tak sampai 24Hours after operation dia meninggal
kerana komplikasi selepas pembedahan.
terkilan sangat tak sempat ziarah arwah
time dapat call pagi Khamis tu dari aunty saya
memang dah decide dah lepas sekolah nanti 
nak terus ke KL pegi hospital tengok dia..
then dapat call lagi kata dia dah nazak
huh sedihnya time tu dalam bersiap-siap nak tinggalkan sekolah
dapat call lagi dari cousin kata dia dah meninggal
memang bukan rezeki saya nak jumpa dia
terasa lambat sangat time nak tiba ke Taman TAR tu(rumah arwah)
rasa macam nak terbang je..
Allah saje yang tahu perasaan saya masa tu
bercampur baur..
takut jalan jammed..tak sempat tengok jenazah
sebab jenazah nak kebumi selepas solat Asar
masa hubby tanya nak ikut jalan mana??
MRR2 atau Jalan Tun Razak??
Saya tak berani nak decide..takut salah buat pilihan
masa dia pilih ikut MRR2 saya doa banyak
supaya jalan tak sesak(biasanya MRR2 akan sesak masa-masa begitu)
alhamdulillah..Allah permudahkan semuanya
kami sampai jenazah belum tiba lagi dari hospital
mereka mandi,khafan & sembahyang jenazah disana dulu
masa tengok muka mummy(isteri arwah) saya hilang kata-kata
hanya pelukan dan tangisan kami saja yang kedengaran
walaupun terkejut dengan apa yang terjadi kami semua bersyukur
arwah pegi dengan mudah
dia tak terlantar sakit yang lama dan berpanjangan
mereka yang ada semasa arwah menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya kata
dia pegi dengan tenang..syukur la time tu isteri & anak-anaknya semua ada disisi
cuma saya agak terkilan tahun ni saya tak sempat pegi beraya ke rumahnya seperti kebiasaan
last jumpa masa kenduri kawin adik saya masa raya ke3 tu
kalau dia balik Seremban pun saya tak jumpa 
sedihnya..kalau la tahu ini raya terakhir kami bersamanya memang saya carik masa tu
semalam masa nak balik pun isteri arwah kata..dia tanya mana la Emy tak datang raya tahun ni
Ya Allah..bersalahnya aku rasakan..terkilan sangat
Buat daddy..Emy doakan daddy tenang disana..
Emy tahu,daddy pun tahu kami semua sayang daddy
tapi Allah lebih menyayangi daddy..
semoga daddy ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman
insyallah..Emy akan sentiasa merindui gelak tawa daddy..
hanya Allah saja yang tahu isi hati ini
Al-fatihah

DISINI JUGA SAYA NAK KONGSI
nukilan rasa yang diluahkan oleh
satu-satu anak perempuan arwah
yang baru bertugas sebagai Dr di hospital Ampang
beliau akan melangsungkan perkahwinan awal tahun depan insyallah

Dear Daddy,

I'm sorry I didn't spend enough time with u the weeks before you left, and I'm sorry I complained a lot about work. I know you were worried about me, and with ur medical condition, I should have known better not to burden you with my problems.

I'm sorry I scolded you for not telling me about your classical heart problem symptoms. You know, when you were in denial about your tummy discomfort and 'angin' problems in your tummy, I was in denial too. I just couldn't accept the fact that you had heart problems. Yet I wanted you to get things checked out so that we could be 100% sure that it was a cardiac pathology.

Remember when you finally came to ED to get that ECG done? And how scared you were because you didn't want it to show any cardiac problems? Remember when you refused to allow me to withdraw blood from your vein for some blood investigations but I still did it anyway and you told me, "whoa... it didn't hurt at all... and how come you did it so smoothly?". And remember how after that when we returned home u said that now you're satisfied that I've done something for you as a doctor?

I had so much to say to you before your surgery, but I guess it wasn't my 'rezeki'. I wanted to tell you that I will be waiting for you after you wake up from the surgery and that we were all praying for you. When I arrived that morning, they were already preparing to push u to OT. I regretted not making them wait so that Abang Aidi and Abang Bob could see you too as they were struggling to find parking. I saw tears welling up in your eyes when they wheeled your bed along the corridor of the OT. I am thankful to Allah that I got to salam and kiss you before they pushed you in.

When you came out of surgery, it was sad to see you with tubes going in and out of you. The first thing I did was check you vital signs on the cardiac monitor, and I realised that your blood pressure was just OK. They explained to Abang Aidi that your BP was low-ish so they had to put you on inotropic support. They also said that you were bleeding quite a bit, but we both thought that nothing was amiss because you had the same problem when you did your TURP (prostate surgery) years ago.

When mommy came back from solat, the surgeon explained to her that he was not happy with your bleeding, and that he wanted to go in once again and isolate the source of bleeding. That one hour a half was one of the longest hours that I had to wait, daddy. I was so afraid you would pass away on table, with you being unstable like that. I was so afraid you will go without us around you.

When they allowed to see you again you were already on two inotropic support. They managed to isolate and stop the bleeding, and your urine output was encouraging. I was reluctant to leave the hospital that night, but I had to because I had to go to work the next day. But you were stable before we left dad, we didn't expect you to deteriorate.

When mommy called me on Thursday morning, I thought that she was going to tell me about the arrangements as to who's going to send me to UMMC after work so that I could see you. I expected you to be extubated by that time. But she stopped short after "adik...." and I told her to stop crying. Abang Aidi told me that the hospital called. I think I swore quite loudly in the ED at that time.

It was a long wait to wait for Abang Bob to come pick me up. We couldn't find parking, and he told me to go down first. I texted Abang Aidi about your progress, he replied that it's not good. I walked as fast as I could to the CICU to go and see you and when I saw you, my heart dropped. You were on maximum inotropic support, your urine bag was empty, your blood pressure was just 'cukup2 makan'. Your face was oedematous. I went to mom and cried because I knew that you were going downhill.

Daddy, thank you for giving me enough time to come to terms with the fact that you were leaving. They wanted to do dialysis for you, but your BP was just too low. They even failed to insert a femoral catheter in you. I hope that didn't cause you too much pain.

Everyone was there around you that morning, daddy. A lot of people recited Yaasin for you. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to do that for you, and I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to whisper things to your ear. I hope you heard me when I told you that I loved you. I hope you felt my hand when I held yours.

When the cardiac monitor showed asystole, indicating that your heart stopped beating, Abang Lan was by your side, whispering in your left ear. I rushed to your right ear and recited the Kalimah Syahadah. I saw the cardiac monitor showing some tracing for a brief period of time, and then it was a straight line again. Allah took you back, because He loved you more. Alhamdulillah, you went in such a peaceful manner.

Dad, when I was there by your side, whispering in your ear, I looked at your face for the longest time, I inhaled your smell, I held your hand... I don't want to forget any of that.

Dad, Sheikh Fuad became the imam for your jenazah prayers, he was there reading your talkin, and he was there heading the Tahlil that night. I couldn't have asked for anything better than that for you, dad. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you so much for all that you've done for all of us dad. And you have absolutely no idea how much you've done for me. That itself deserves another post. We will all miss you and no one can replace you daddy. I love you so much. Al-fatihah.

4 comments:

  1. sedihnya... x dpt sy menahan air mata ni dari mengalir

    semoga emy & seluruh ahli keluarga arwah brsabar dgn dugaan ini.

    semoga arwah ditempatkan di kalangan org2 yg beriman. al-fatihah.

    ReplyDelete
  2. takziah sis.... semoga roh arwah dicucuri rahmat... adoii sedih linn baca ayat2 dr tu... semoga dia terus tabah

    ReplyDelete
  3. takziah sekali lagi emy!
    mmgla kalau org yg rapat dengan kita.. kita rasa kehilangan yg amat2.. semua ini dugaan bt emy dan keluarga.. Alhamdulillah dia pergi dengan mudah dan tenang.. Tidak menanggung kesakitan lama2.. Allah permudahkan segalanya..

    sampaikan salam takziah bt keluarganya juga.. kena selalu bertanya khabar mereka.. agar mereka rasa diri mereka dihargai dan diperlukan bila2 masa saja..

    u take care too.. jaga kesihatan diri.. jgn stress ok?

    ReplyDelete
  4. i read my own post and had to fight back tears.

    and banyak grammar mistakes sebab the nephew and nieces were disturbing at that time!!! the obsessive compulsive me just had to go back to fb and correct all my mistakes.

    anyways, we all miss him, and kalau nak cakap, i have even BIGGER regrets kak emy, and the worst part is that i havent talked about it to anyone yet. you didnt visit him for raya, i wasnt even home on malam mantai tu because i CHOSE to work that night so that i will have at least the first three days of raya free of night calls. i didnt know it was my last raya with him.

    ReplyDelete

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Terbang berduyun di waktu pagi
Terima kasih daun keladi
di lain 'entry' berjumpa lagi

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